It's done... Not going to be bothered by it...

So finally it pushed through after a long time of asking for it to be done..

I finally have my kidney biopsy done...

I was taking Coumadin for at least 6 mos now, and I was hoping of not taking it for the rest of my life... My INR is finally on good levels recently, (that's what they said) so I am hopeful that it is not for my entire lifetime.

They are holding my Coumadin for now... I hopefully I do not need to take it.

So... At exactly 1:30 pm I was on my belly being ultrasound. So they could find my kidneys. They had to poke my at least 3 times. It sucks knowing a bit of medical terms and it gets frustrating when this medical students do not know cephalic, and caudal means. And it's awesome for them to use adipose instead of fat.

Apparently, my back has too much adipose that they hit that a lot... I get it I am fat OK? Goddammit! I was in the hospital for already 3-4 days and I was already starting to swell up.

It wasn't a fun time. It was numb but i still feel it for some reason, I mean the pressure no pain. It really wasn't a fun time. After the biopsy thing, I had to be on my back for 24 hours, meaning I need to use the bed pan. I do not like bed pans, the are weird. And I really do not like asking someone to help me pee. Why would I want that?? I am a grown woman!! But I got no choice.

Oh well... now that is done... :) results next blog... :))

Help me...***Edit***

I have been going in and out of the hospital this year and I has affected my income like every sick person there is in this world.
But there are always bills to pay and there will be always medical expenses.

It stresses me out more that I have to think about this when I am already in the hospital sick.

If you could help me start an online business, that would be home base, I would really appreciate it.

Please check out the link below and help me... any amount will do. Thank you so much for your time.

http://www.gofundme.com/4e6k4k 

I took this site down, I realize I could do it by myself with my own money and doesn't really need to ask for people's help. But I do have another page for one of my friends' baby. They need money for medical bills, so if you have time to check it out, can you please visit this page.

FOR PHOENIX RAE'S MEDICAL EXPENSES

Just a quick hello...

I would really appreciate if you would comment or say something.

Sometimes, it's a more comforting for strangers to tell me what they feel and see their point of view since I do not personally know you and I would assume that your comment or opinion will be unbiased.

I would like to know who you are... leave a comment ok?

I do not have a lot of followers and would like you to be one.

Regards,

Jocxie

Just let it be...

There are things in life that you just can't control and all you could do is just let it be...

Leave it as it is and accept it as it comes...

Not everything could be planned or go as you plan it to be..

Just let it be and let God..

There are things that you won't understand.. Be patient and give it time... 

The Song of My Life...

"Nobody said it was easy..."

My Wake Up Call...

"He pulled away. That was a big hello for me. I realized I could lose the person I loved and I had to deal with some things, issues I think a lot of women have. You can be strong in one aspect of your life but submissive in another. ... [But] I'm not interested in taming anyone - I'm pretty wild myself." - Katy Perry on her relationship with John Mayer (read full post here) 

I had my wake up call a month and a half ago. It was an experience I never wish to experience ever again. I was heart broken, I was in pain. My chest was about to explode and saw my entire future collapsing in front of me. My eyes were red and swollen and my happiness taken away from me. We almost broke up.

I have the best boyfriend in the world. My baby, who is so very patient and caring was pushed to the edge and he felt it was time to let go. My Path profile summed it up in 5 words... "6 years down the drain...". I was jealous, I guess it was because of my woman intuition that all these thoughts come into my head. I know something is up. I know he is also just a guy who could "like" someone else other than me. And all I could think of is "What will I do if I lose him? No one will take me for I am sick and broken."

He "likes" her. It is nothing more than that. But then everything starts with a "like" right? This isn't like facebook where you could just throw a bunch of "likes" in someone else's profile. This is real life like. I asked him a bunch of questions, he's been honest, sometimes very honest that I do not even want to hear the answer. But if I want our relationship honest and true, I have to take in the answers he gave me. Even if it was painful. I guess that is the price you have to pay for a real honest relationship. I am thankful and believe deep in my heart and mind that he never cheated on me. Not even once. I am happy to know that. And I do believe him when he told me he never did. I could tell, I could see it. I guess we were just in that bend in our lives that everything got bored, and we had new things in front of us. Well, not really in front of us, mostly in front of him.  But we were able to make things work. We have a better understanding of each other now. And yes, we are still true and honest with each other.

We are still together, going stronger than before. I love him, and he loves me. And I guess, that is all that really matters. No matter what other people told him when we were having problems he pushed aside, because he loves me, and he wants to stay with me.

I guess it wasn't really "6 years down the drain" after all.

I like clingy people.. I am a clingy person...

My Stress Reliever... Blogging

I may not be one with the best grammar skills in the history of mankind. I may have spelling mistakes and run on sentences, I may not be able to express myself in English that good since it is my second language only but in never stopped me from writing.
It always has been a stress reliever for me, I keep a journal for people to read when I am dead. I keep a journal for me with words of encouragement for my future self. It always been a help in times that I needed to just tell something even though no one is there to listen.

Recently, I have been under a lot of stress. I probably could take it if it was about work but it's not. More on my personal life. Something you can't just sleep over and it will be less of a problem the next morning. And I am quite sure it is taking its toll on my health as well. Maybe I just need to pass through this, and all will be well but as of the moment, I just can't. I didn't know how hard it is to try not to care, until you decided to not care at all. But deep inside, you know you still do anyway.

Life is hard, it's the little things that actually make it bearable. The smile of a child. A text of a love one. A call with an unexpected surprise. Little things that makes daily living worthwhile.

Although social networks have its disadvantages, if used politely and respectfully it has awesome perks as well. I just discovered WeChat app a few hours ago, it's like a walkie-talkie but for all over the world. :) You could send videos, you could send picture and text messages. It was awesome. Most of my friends are actually scattered all over the world. I have a few acquaintances here in the US some could be comparable on how close I am to my friends of over 15 years but most of the time people here they go home and they have lives of their own. Which i understand but these habits doesn't develop friends, only acquaintances.

I am feeling a bit depressed recently. Feeling weak and tired most of the time. I am not sure if its because I haven't been sleeping well, or am I not sleeping well because I am about to have a flare up of my Lupus. I am overweight, actually i am obese, and I can't do anything since I can't really exercise much since I get tired easily and need to catch my breath most of the time. I think I am feeling so depress because I feel so ugly. I don't see myself right now. It's this other me staring back whenever I look in the mirror. I feel ugly because I don't feel like myself. It's hard to understand. I tried. I tried to explain to myself why this is happening to me. But still, I don't feel myself. 

I need help. But there's not a lot of people I could ask help from. The only person who I want to get help from wants me to be less dependent and choose to ignore my little whims.  My little whims, little things that makes daily living worthwhile. Learn not to care and just accept. Everything happens for a reason.

I am not happy right now...

Actually, I do not really know what I am feeling.

Fatigue? Lower leg edema? What??

That is the thing that sucks about lupus. It's like you have this mixed feeling, and you are not even sure if it is your emotions, your hormonal change, or your lupus acting up.

And today is one of those days... :(

hopefully tomorrow won't be the same as today...

Arts and Craft...

Sometimes there are boring weekends, or days that I feel I just need to do something coz I am not being bugged by my sickness. And last weekend is one of those days.

This is a wooden frame that I mod podge, and put on scrapbook paper. But I only took the corners that has the design. I just notice that the frame is upside down.. LOL

Still looks pretty tho.. :) 

my nth "It's been a while"...

It has been a while since I wrote on my blog. I do not really know what to write recently of all the things that has been happening. But as of right now, I want to inform you guys that I am alright and will continuously going to be alright. :)

For a few months now, I have been nursing a bilateral pulmonary embolism for trying to get healthy as part of my new year's resolution. Which apparently is not good for me, or for any with Lupus for that matter. Although, I do not have that antibody that makes people with Lupus have blood clot. the antibody is called Antiphospholipid antibody or APS. .By itself, APS is already an autoimmune disease, but it also comes out to people with SLE. So I am always checked it this antibody is out on my lab exams. My doctors have been checking and I do not have it, so they were wondering how I got my blood clot. But, as with everyone else new to having lupus, every day is a different day.

I have been getting my daily encouraging inspiration on instagram. I followed this bunch of people who also have Lupus. There is a lot of us out there. And all, fighting an invisible war inside us. There are good days, there are bad days. Well, hopefully, today is a good day for me. :)

And I leave you with a repost from someone, I forgot who. I will note it next time.

I shared it on my facebook (which is private) but it came from  this  person.
Check them out.

References:

Antiphospholipid antibody - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antiphospholipid_syndrome

Wow.. I has been a while...

A lot of things has happened, and I am still overwhelmed of all the things that that happened to me during the past months.

I know I haven't been writing a lot because I do not seriously know where to start.

Maybe, when my mind and thoughts is organized, I will be able to write it. But as of now, I am telling you. I am well.. I will be alright... and it will just take time, but I will be better...

Thank you for your patience.

AAAAGGGHHH!!!

I have so many things to tell you, but i do not know where to start.. WAAAAHHHH!!!!

Depo - Side Effects

I gave been on Depo Provera as requested by my doctors and will be due for my 3rd shot in a few days. I never actually had a side effect of it until now.

A few days ago I have been bleeding. More like your last days of period. I am not a bit concerned as of the moment it only has been 3 days. This is actually the first time I ever had a "period" since I have been getting the shots. They say it is normal to have your period or spotting when you are on Depo. But since it was my first time having my period again I searched online for better understanding.

What concerns me the most is on some women, they never stop. The semi-kind of bleeding lasted them days and even months. I am praying that I am not one of those. As this will dampen any mood of any person. Imagine thinking all the time that you will have blood stain down your crotch!!! Hideous! Embarrassing! I am thinking that because, if normally, and not on depo, these days will be the actual days I will be having my period. Well I guess I just have to wait for 2 more weeks to be able to talk to my health provider about my concern.

Keep me in your prayers. I need them. This cold weather is not also helping my lupus symptoms.

Which reminds me, need to buy lots and lots of juice with Vitamin C to drink and get rid of this cold I have!

I pray you guys have good health, for you and your family for the rest of 2013! HAPPY NEW YEAR! and advance Happy Birthday to me!!!