On The Brink

I am not really in a good feeling right now. I just do not know what else I need to do to get better...

I am on the brink of depression. I look at all my pills and I am thinking, what did I do wrong? All I did was to make sure that everything I do or did was suppose to make me better. I am in an age where I wanted to have my own family, but I have to put it on hold because of all the things that are happening to me right now. I wanted to have one, even just one for me.

I went to my doctor appointment right now and was told that if I ever have a "baby accident" I might need to terminate it because of all the medicines that I am taking. Do you know how hard that is to swallow, to think that I would be a mother and have a baby, but I can't keep it because it will for sure have complications.

So, as any normal person would do, I put on my brave face and say yes to everything they told me to do. It took a while obviously, to sink in my little coconut. I am not getting younger and I am really really wanting to have a little one of my own. I planned to have one when I was 25, but I lost my job, and the economy was on a really low point that not much people were hiring. From all the stress, I developed lupus and now, here I am, 31 turning 32 in January and still waiting for the right time to have my magical moment of having a little one of my own. It doesn't help having friends having babies for the second time or popping them like popcorns.

I am just on a really low part of my life at the moment. Sorry, I just need to vent.

My Stress Reliever... Blogging

I may not be one with the best grammar skills in the history of mankind. I may have spelling mistakes and run on sentences, I may not be able to express myself in English that good since it is my second language only but in never stopped me from writing.
It always has been a stress reliever for me, I keep a journal for people to read when I am dead. I keep a journal for me with words of encouragement for my future self. It always been a help in times that I needed to just tell something even though no one is there to listen.

Recently, I have been under a lot of stress. I probably could take it if it was about work but it's not. More on my personal life. Something you can't just sleep over and it will be less of a problem the next morning. And I am quite sure it is taking its toll on my health as well. Maybe I just need to pass through this, and all will be well but as of the moment, I just can't. I didn't know how hard it is to try not to care, until you decided to not care at all. But deep inside, you know you still do anyway.

Life is hard, it's the little things that actually make it bearable. The smile of a child. A text of a love one. A call with an unexpected surprise. Little things that makes daily living worthwhile.

Although social networks have its disadvantages, if used politely and respectfully it has awesome perks as well. I just discovered WeChat app a few hours ago, it's like a walkie-talkie but for all over the world. :) You could send videos, you could send picture and text messages. It was awesome. Most of my friends are actually scattered all over the world. I have a few acquaintances here in the US some could be comparable on how close I am to my friends of over 15 years but most of the time people here they go home and they have lives of their own. Which i understand but these habits doesn't develop friends, only acquaintances.

I am feeling a bit depressed recently. Feeling weak and tired most of the time. I am not sure if its because I haven't been sleeping well, or am I not sleeping well because I am about to have a flare up of my Lupus. I am overweight, actually i am obese, and I can't do anything since I can't really exercise much since I get tired easily and need to catch my breath most of the time. I think I am feeling so depress because I feel so ugly. I don't see myself right now. It's this other me staring back whenever I look in the mirror. I feel ugly because I don't feel like myself. It's hard to understand. I tried. I tried to explain to myself why this is happening to me. But still, I don't feel myself. 

I need help. But there's not a lot of people I could ask help from. The only person who I want to get help from wants me to be less dependent and choose to ignore my little whims.  My little whims, little things that makes daily living worthwhile. Learn not to care and just accept. Everything happens for a reason.

I lost count... No steroids and the effects...

I am not sure how long I have not been using Prednisone, but i am quite sure there has been a lot of changes already...

Recently, I have been having hives on my face.. Like it's a row of swollen patch of skin which I do not know the reason. I am allergic to a bunch of stuff, but I have been avoiding them for a long time, it's mostly food so I do not know what happened here.

I also have been having a bunch of pimple on my face. Like little nasty red ones, that has pus on the tip. There are little, so it's not really that nasty, but it's still pimples!!!! Not A pimple, but pimples!!

When I wasn't yet fully diagnosed with Lupus, I usually have this pain on my right foot. Maybe because I walk lazy or my steps are weird, but it's only the right one, on a specific spot. I think I have a tear or two by my middle foot arch, but it's posed no problem until a few months before I had my Lupus. But now it's back. I am not sure if it is because of my lupus, I will tell my doctor on my next appointment.

I have been feeling weird lately, I feel really depressed most of the time. Like depressed. It's a feeling of hopelessness that I have never felt before. I mean I do have my ups and down, but it's not like this. Maybe I am impatient, maybe. I don't know, I think I really need to be checked. Physically and mentally.

Oh well... My life has been a constant struggle. Just wish me luck.

Oh how I miss you...

I know, I know, it's been 3 days... the thing is, I spend too much time doing nothing recently. I guess since I am out of my period my depression is slowly going away. I am not really depress ok, nor do I have depression. I just felt a little low during the days I have my period. Maybe that is why I was craving for sweets and stuff.

So have you heard? I have made my final decision! I WILL NOT BECOME A NURSE. I mean, it's not for me. I am not a people person. I would rather be left alone, and leave people alone. I have been in a hospital, and I can't do what they do. I imagine myself in their position, working with me while I was in the hospital. I was a whiner, and I still would whine all the time! I don't even remember how many times I pressed the nurse button just to ask for an apple juice or ice. Hehehe :) You have to understand, that was all I could eat and drink. Even though I was on normal diet at the hospital i can't eat it. My mouth and stomach can't handle it for the first few days.

My salute to the people who want to be a nurse, but my goals are Biologist, MicroBiologist and Physicist. General courses, no majors, just for my brain. But if you are asking how will I make money, I will be a researcher with a business on the side. :)

My life is only complete when I marry my papi and have babies of my own. The rest are trivial. So, for the moment, the goal is to be healthy, stay healthy and be Flare up free... :)