On The Brink

I am not really in a good feeling right now. I just do not know what else I need to do to get better...

I am on the brink of depression. I look at all my pills and I am thinking, what did I do wrong? All I did was to make sure that everything I do or did was suppose to make me better. I am in an age where I wanted to have my own family, but I have to put it on hold because of all the things that are happening to me right now. I wanted to have one, even just one for me.

I went to my doctor appointment right now and was told that if I ever have a "baby accident" I might need to terminate it because of all the medicines that I am taking. Do you know how hard that is to swallow, to think that I would be a mother and have a baby, but I can't keep it because it will for sure have complications.

So, as any normal person would do, I put on my brave face and say yes to everything they told me to do. It took a while obviously, to sink in my little coconut. I am not getting younger and I am really really wanting to have a little one of my own. I planned to have one when I was 25, but I lost my job, and the economy was on a really low point that not much people were hiring. From all the stress, I developed lupus and now, here I am, 31 turning 32 in January and still waiting for the right time to have my magical moment of having a little one of my own. It doesn't help having friends having babies for the second time or popping them like popcorns.

I am just on a really low part of my life at the moment. Sorry, I just need to vent.